Mother’s Day is difficult for many of us. Maybe we didn’t have a great mother or think we fell short in parenthood. But for those who have lost a child, Mother’s Day can be especially heartbreaking. So if this is you or if it’s someone you know, I am sorry. And I hope to offer a few words of comfort.
What To Say To A Grieving Mom On Mother’s Day
Finding the right words to say to a grieving mom on Mother’s Day may feel awkward. But with a bit of thought and planning, you can offer comfort to a broken heart. The most important thing to say is, “I’m thinking of you today, feeling your loss, and I’m sorry.” Acknowledging her pain is the best gift you can give.
You may want to say nothing because you worry that you will trigger the mom or that you’ll deepen her sadness. But letting her know you recognize her loss is healing. Allow her to speak about her child. Or even just sit quietly. There are many different ways to reach out to a hurting mother on this day.
Franchesca Cox is an artist, writer, and mom of three. Two children are here on earth, and one is in heaven. She created Still Standing, an online magazine for grieving parents, a great resource. She says,
“A mother is not defined by the number of children you can see, but by the love she holds in her heart.”
15 Mother’s Day Quotes for Grieving Moms
- “Grief is the price we pay for love.” – Queen Elizabeth II
- “The death of a mother is the first sorrow wept without a tear.” – Unknown
- “There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in times of grief.” – Aeschylus
- “A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” – Agatha Christie
- “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Khalil Gibran
- “The mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.” – Marion C. Garretty
- “There is no death, daughter. People die only when we forget them.” – Isabel Allende
- “What is it about a mother’s love that inexorably creates an emotional bond between complete strangers?” – Unknown
- “A mother’s arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them.” – Victor Hugo
- “Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.” – Unknown
- “The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” – Honore de Balzac
- “Although it’s impossible to bring back someone we love, it is possible to keep them in our hearts forever.” – Unknown
- “So many of my smiles begin with you.” – Unknown
- “My mother was the one constant in my life. When everything went to pieces, she always managed to make everything better again.” – Susane Colasanti
- “Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws.” – Barbara Kingsolver
What To Say To A Mother Who Has Lost An Infant
During my work as a funeral director, I understood that the grief my families were experiencing had nothing to do with me. I learned to empathize with them but not carry their sadness. And as odd as it sounds, I found it reasonably easy with mothers who lost babies. Whether by miscarriage or infant death, a new mother’s grief runs deep.
However, for moms who are believers in an afterlife, especially those with a Christian perspective, death is not the end. Instead, it is only the beginning. So if, after listening closely to them, I was sure of a parent’s faith, I felt comfortable saying something like this.
“What an amazing day you gave your daughter. You brought her briefly into this world so she could dance in heaven among angels. She opened her eyes, not to pain, but to eternal love.”
If you are uncertain about the mom’s faith background, then now is not the time to share your own. Instead, look into her eyes and hold her hand. Tell her how sorry you are and how much you care about her.
“I can’t even imagine your pain. During what was to be such a happy time, you’re instead experiencing such grief. I’m sorry. I’m holding your heart in mine, and I’m here for you.”
This anonymous quote is also helpful; maybe you could say a version of it.
“There is no footprint so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.”
Read also: Gone Too Soon Quotes
What To Say To A Mom Who Loses An Older Child or Teenager
Friends of ours lost their 12-year-old daughter. One morning she simply did not wake up. It felt devastating to them and to all of us who love their family. I must admit that even I didn’t know what to say at first. Instead, I felt such shock and denial. But then I remembered it wasn’t about me. So I called to say how sorry I was.
For our friends, rainbows and cloud shapes are signs from their daughter. I’m also a firm believer in signs from the other side. So I’m glad they can connect with her in this way.
I love the Eskimo quote that says,
“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather they are openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through. And shines down on us to let us know they are happy.”
Looking at quotes like this gives us an excellent jumping-off point to know what to say to a grieving mother on Mother’s Day. Or to a mourning father on Father’s Day. When you’re not sure what to say, you can simply text a quote and a short note to go with it.
“I ran across this quote and thought of you. I’m missing (child’s name) today and wanted you to know I’m thinking about him and you.”
Remember to use the child’s name when talking to the parents. It’s hard enough to lose a child, but it’s even worse when people quit using the child’s name. Almost like the child’s existence is being erased. So say their name aloud. Or write it in a text. Just say it.
What To Say In A Mother’s Day Card
When a child dies, it’s hard to know what to say. Then when Mother’s Day rolls around, you aren’t sure whether or not to send a card. So I say, send it!
Put a picture of you and the child in a card and send it to the parents. Add a hand-written note about the photo, sharing the memory behind it. As I mentioned above, mothers who have lost children want to know that the child is remembered. So a shared memory is an effective way to reassure her you do remember.
You could also write a note about how you honor the mother and child. You could write:
“I lit a candle for (child’s name) today. I held you both in my heart and wished you peace.”
Or
“Today, I thought of our trip to the lake last summer. I remember how much (child’s name) loved splashing at the water’s edge. It seems impossible that he is gone, and I just wanted you to know I was thinking of him. And of you.”
What To Say To A Grieving Dad on Father’s Day
I think you say the same kinds of things to a grieving dad on Father’s Day as you would to the mother. Remember his child. Acknowledge his grief. Provide the opportunity for him to talk if he’d like to.
“I was looking through photos and saw this picture of (child’s name). What a joyous smile on his face! I hope you’re holding up as well as possible during this super hard time.”
Dads who lose children suffer as much as moms. But they sometimes remain a bit more stoic. So let Dad know it’s okay to let his guard down around you. You’re here for him.
Society’s Happy Messaging To Sell More Cards
Advertising companies focus on happy families with smiling children. However, their emphasis is on the traditional family with the mom at its center. While this cheeriness makes for engaging commercials and card-selling, it doesn’t reflect the reality for many people.
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day in the United States are all about card sales. Hallmark and other companies strive to develop the sappiest prose about the perfect parent. I don’t know about you, but I used to stand in the card aisle trying to find the right card for my mom.
It needed to say something like this, “You are a mother, so I hope you have a great day.” Now that she’s gone, I recognize that my mom did the best she could, even if it was not quite good enough. After her passing, we’ve made peace. And now, I think of her with a much kinder heart on Mother’s Day.
Perhaps you can relate to finding the perfect card and coming up short. It’s the same for grieving mothers who have lost a child. Finding the right card is almost impossible. So I’ve put together some ideas of what you might say.
Conclusion
When someone loses a child, it affects everyone close by, but it literally devastates the parents. So even if you feel clumsy, acknowledge the mother’s pain. Especially on Mother’s Day, she would rather you say something awkward than think you forget her child.
Many of us feel overwhelmed by the topic of death, especially when a child dies. Continue to acknowledge the loss and offer the parent an opportunity to talk. Sharing your memory opens the door for the grieving mother to share her memories.
- Use the child’s name so the parents know you remember.
- Say you’re sorry. Say something.
- Send a card with a picture of the child and a note about the memory.
- Sit quietly with the parent and let them simply be.
- Take direction from the parent. Follow their lead for the best way to memorialize their child on Mother’s Day.
Death is hard. And the death of a child is the hardest of all. Thank you for caring enough about your friend to research what to say to her. That is truly a gift.
