When someone dies, it’s hard to know what to say. We don’t know how to tell someone we are sorry. On the receiving end, we also have a hard time responding to the condolences given to us. Everyone experiences the death of loved ones, so planning what to say helps us respond when the situation arises.
What To Say When Someone Says Sorry For Your Loss
When someone says they are sorry for your loss, they want you to know that they care for you. Our verbal reactions to death sometimes sound trite, but the most important thing to remember is that friends and family do care. Acknowledging their sorrow with a simple thank you is enough.
What Is A Polite Response To Condolences?
Saying thank you when someone expresses sorrow for your loss is enough. They aren’t necessarily expecting a long conversation, so thank you is enough.
Most of us aren’t sure what to say when someone dies, much less how to respond when we’re the one receiving condolences. So here are a few simple sentences to get you through, especially when you have likely heard friends and family express sorrow multiple times already.
- Thank you.
- I appreciate that.
- Thank you for coming (to the funeral) or thank you for the casserole.
- Thank you. It’s been a rough time.
- Thank you. My mom thought very highly of you.
When you’ve lost someone, even if the death was expected, it’s still very traumatic. I remember the events of the day my mom died like it was yesterday, even though it was almost five years ago and we knew it was coming. Your brain gets foggy, and you don’t know what to say to anyone.
When all other words escape you, a simple thank you is enough.
What Do You Say When Someone Texts You Their Condolences?
You may want to assign a friend or family member to monitor your texts and social media, so they can provide service details. When someone texts you a condolence message, there are a few responses that work well.
- “I appreciate your friendship and support.” When we care for dying loved ones, we often neglect our friendships. So let people know you appreciate them, even during this difficult time when you may have been more absent from them than normal.
- “Thank you and here are the service details.” Sharing the funeral or memorial details as soon as you can helps others prepare to attend. They may need to take time off work or get childcare. So the sooner you can share details, the better.
- “I need some help. Will you please pick up my sister from the airport?” People want to help you during this time, but they don’t know how. Texting a friend or family member to ask for help will surely be met with enthusiasm.
- “I saw that you called and I’m sorry I didn’t answer. I appreciate your support and will call when it’s not quite so hard to talk.” Your friends and family will understand this hard time and will appreciate your response by text, even if you can’t talk quite yet.
Responding To Condolences On Social Media
Responding to condolences on social media follows the same rules as replying in person or via text. The person wants you to know they care, that’s the bottom line.
Should you reply to each individual message? Or should you write one thank you to everyone? The answer is yes. You should do what works for you. Friends and family will appreciate your words, whether they are directed to the group or each messenger. Here are some ideas to help you navigate.
- “Thank you, Dad thought you were very special, too.” While it may have been your parent who died, others are grieving the loss as well. Acknowledging their pain is beneficial to you both.
- “I know you understand what I’m going through.” No one knows exactly how you feel during this time, but they may have a general idea.
- “My mom is singing in heaven now!” Believing in the afterlife and sharing those hopeful feelings may be just what someone else needs to hear. So don’t be afraid to share your thoughts.
How Do You Respond To A Death Text?
In this age of texting over talking, it is common to receive condolences via text. You may also receive a notice of death through a text. While I still think a phone call is best for death notification, I understand that texting is an acceptable means of communication now. Even with difficult topics.
Respond to a death text in much the same way as you would in person or over the phone. Express your sorrow over the loss and share a quick memory of the deceased. Celebrate their life, rather than focusing on their death.
How To Tell Someone You Are Sorry For Their Loss
It’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to tell someone you are sorry for their loss. Simply telling them is what matters. When we lose a loved one, we long to know that we aren’t alone. So hearing someone say they are sorry is comforting.
Some people say nothing because they’re worried about saying the wrong thing. Let me just tell you that silence isn’t helpful. Say something to acknowledge the loss, even if it is simply, “I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you.”
Another good thing to say to a grieving person is that they can share as much or as little as they want with you. Giving them the option to talk about their loved ones or not is a gift. It relieves the pressure of having to talk when maybe they just want to sit quietly with you.
What To Say At A Funeral Service
If you are talking with extended family members, who you might not know very well, it’s appropriate to mention a picture on display as a means of starting a conversation. For example, you could say, “I saw a picture of Jim in uniform, but I didn’t realize he served. Do you know when that was?” Or, “Did you see that picture of Judy in her kitchen? Her apple pies were always a hit at church potlucks!”
It’s a great way to begin a conversation and allow the other person to share fond memories of the deceased. Talking about stories of the decedent’s life is so much better than discussing how they died. So honor their memory by creating conversation starters.
What Not To Say When Someone Dies
While your intentions may be great there are a few things not to say when someone dies. It’s not that they are necessarily wrong, but more that there are better ways to show your sorrow.
- Don’t ask, “How are you?”. When my husband was seriously ill, people would ask him how he was. He quickly discovered that what they meant was, “please reassure me you’re going to be okay.” People knew how he was: he was sick. People know how a grieving widow feels: she is grieving. Asking how she feels makes her feel the need to comfort you. And that’s the opposite of your intent.
- Don’t ask how the person died. If you are close to the family, then you likely already have a good idea of how the person died. Asking the question makes the family have to answer it repeatedly.
- Don’t ask what you can do for the person. While your intent is good, it puts pressure on the grieving person to come up with an answer on the spot. They likely will end up saying there is nothing you can do. Instead ask a specific question like, “Can I mow the yard for you next Tuesday?” It tells the grieving person that you care and that you know menial tasks still need to be done. It shows that you are willing to take action to care for them.
- Don’t say that the deceased is in a better place. That might be true according to your beliefs, but when someone is grieving, they only want the person back here with them. Instead of focusing on the person’s death, opt to share a memory of yours about the person’s life.
Conclusion
Knowing what to say when someone dies doesn’t come naturally. Take time to plan your words, so that you are a comfort to the bereaved. When you’re on the receiving end of the condolences, you may not have the right frame of mind to even know how to respond. Two of the best sentences are these:
- I don’t know what to say, but I am here for you and I am sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
During times of sorrow, your words don’t need to be eloquent, they simply need to be said, heard, and acknowledged.
