I’ve had a love for cemeteries for as long as I can remember. It’s the historic ones that call to me and fill my heart with peace. The beauty of the old funerary art is unmatched in today’s more utilitarian graveyards. But there are some things you shouldn’t do in a cemetery and then there are others that are completely okay.
10 Things Not To Do In A Cemetery
When visiting a cemetery, there are some general guidelines you should follow. And then there are some things you simply shouldn’t do. Don’t use headstones as chairs. Don’t let your children run wild. And don’t play loud music. Proper cemetery etiquette sets a peaceful tone for all visitors. So follow these guidelines on your next visit.
1. Don’t Lean Against Or Sit On Headstones
Leaning against or sitting on headstones may damage them. Even touching old headstones is a bad idea, since they may be brittle or crumbly. Older stones also may topple over more easily, so be aware of their fragility.
2. Don’t Drive At Fast Speeds
Visiting cemeteries is all about respect. Driving too fast shows a disregard for the deceased as well as for other visitors. Visitors may be wrapped in their own grief and not really paying attention to their surroundings. Fast speeds could put someone in danger. Using your car’s horn is also a bad idea since cemeteries are a place for quiet reflection.
3. Don’t Talk To Other Visitors
It’s polite to acknowledge other visitors with a smile or nod of your head. But don’t engage someone else in a conversation, as they may be having a private moment. You don’t want to disturb someone’s ritual of speaking with a loved one or their prayers. Certainly, be aware if someone expresses the desire for conversation, but don’t pry into their privacy.
4. Don’t Leave Breakables Behind
It may be tempting to leave flowers in a beautiful glass vase, but don’t leave anything behind that can break. It poses a hazard to the groundskeepers, so stick with plastic or metal flower containers. Along these lines, don’t leave trash or pet waste behind either. Instead, be a good steward of your loved one’s resting place.
5. Don’t Walk Over Graves
This suggestion stems from the superstition that walking over graves would disrupt the dead, keeping the spirit from resting peacefully. People say, “Someone just walked over my grave” after getting a creepy or dreadful feeling. That feeling is said to be what the deceased feels if you walk over them. Nowadays avoiding walking over graves is more an acknowledgment of respect for the deceased than a worry about disturbing them.
6. Don’t Play Loud Music
This item goes along with not honking your car’s horn, as cemeteries are a place for quiet meditation. Playing loud music, even if it was your loved one’s favorite song, may disturb other visitors. We simply don’t know what others are experiencing as they also visit loved ones. So playing your music quietly is the best way to go.
7. Don’t Take Photos Of Other People
Taking photos of other mourners is a big no-no. Just like you shouldn’t get too close to a graveside service in progress, taking photos invades privacy. Being respectful and keeping your distance always wins.
8. Don’t Remove Things Purposely Left By Others
People leave all kinds of mementos at burial sites. You may see coins or stones or small toys. The best rule of thumb is not to touch anything you didn’t bring with you. What may look like a random assortment to you can have emotional significance to someone else. So just let it be.
9. Don’t Let Your Children Or Pets Run Wild
Both children and pets belong in cemeteries. A baby’s cry or a toddler’s giggle are wonderful reminders of life. So definitely bring them along. But don’t let them run wild. Pets should be leashed and children should be well-behaved. No playing loud games of chase or tag.
10. Don’t Make Out Or Have Other Public Displays Of Affection
It doesn’t seem that “don’t make out in a cemetery” needs to be said. But it does. Perhaps the closeness of death reminds us of our need for human touch. However, wait till you’ve left the cemetery for more than light hugs or brief kisses.
10 Things You Can Do In A Cemetery
There are also plenty of things you CAN do in a cemetery, so let’s take a look at some of them.
1. Observe Posted Rules and Cemetery Hours
Cemeteries usually have a sign near the entrance with their ground rules. Follow these to be a respectful visitor. Be aware of the cemetery’s open hours to give yourself plenty of time to leave before the gates close.
2. Run Or Jog on Main Paths
There’s nothing wrong with running on the main paths of cemeteries. Just don’t cut across the lawn and especially don’t jog over anyone’s grave. Instead, enjoy the serenity of these beautiful spaces. Who knows? You may be jogging among previous runners who are smiling at your health.
3. Bring Your Dog
Dogs bring us so much joy because they love unconditionally. This love doesn’t stop when we die. Dogs mourn us just as we mourn their passing, so it’s perfectly normal to bring them to visit a loved one’s grave. I met a little dog when I conducted funeral services for her human father. Toughie Marie was brought to the funeral home several days in a row simply so she could lay by her dad’s casket. She was in mourning and I’m glad her family recognized the importance of giving her space to grieve.
4. Have A Picnic
Families used to regularly have picnics in cemeteries. They would gather at the family’s burial plot to enjoy each other, while still including the deceased. I wish this were a tradition today because I find it touching.
5. Keep Your Phone On Silent
In our world of connectivity, it would be difficult to imagine leaving our phones behind, even for a funeral service or cemetery visit. Please keep them in silent mode though so you don’t disturb others. And for goodness sake, don’t take a call at a graveside service!
6. Visit Cemeteries Where You Have No Loved Ones
One of my favorite things is to visit old cemeteries. Oak Ridge Cemetery in Springfield, Illinois may be my favorite. Abraham Lincoln is buried there and his memorial is beautiful. But the history and funerary art in this cemetery are staggering. So yes, it’s okay to visit cemeteries where you have no loved ones. It’s important though to only take headstone rubbings if you’ve been given permission first.
7. Leave Coins On Headstones
What does it mean to leave coins or pebbles on headstones? Coins left on a veteran’s headstone tell a story of service.
- A penny means you visited.
- Nickels mean you attended boot camp together.
- Dimes tell that you served together.
- And quarters mean that you were present when the veteran died.
Left behind coins are a sign of your presence to the family, a way to let them know their loved one has not been forgotten.
8. Pick Up Trash Or Clean A Gravesite
Picking up trash or cleaning a gravesite is an act of service that you can provide. It only takes a moment to make the cemetery just a little nicer than when you arrived.
9. Visit Your Loved One Often
Do visit your loved one often. In my role as a funeral director, people would occasionally ask me if I think loved ones know when you visit their grave. My answer is yes, I think they know when you visit. Cemeteries are designed for visits, so come!
10. Say The Names Of The Deceased
When I visit cemeteries I read the names of the deceased aloud. I’m not bellowing loudly, just simply stating their names as a matter of fact. “Jane, I see you.” “Bob, you are not forgotten.” That kind of thing. It’s easy to think of older cemeteries as places to visit to see funerary art. Instead, I remember that each of those stones tells someone’s story. Each marker represents a life well lived. Saying their names breathes life into their existence and honors their being.
Cemetery Etiquette
Cemeteries are filled with superstitions. Things like holding your breath when passing a cemetery so you don’t inhale the spirit of the recently departed. Or don’t invite death by being the first mourner to leave. In Victorian times, wealthy mourners often brought servants to the service for the sole purpose of having them leave first, just in case.
Hopefully, in this article, I’ve given you insight into things not to do in a cemetery, as well as some things that are perfectly all right to do. This way you won’t have to worry about superstitions, but instead, you can simply follow good manners.
